Lonely

I say a prayer for the girl holding my hand
She's lost
The girl across the room tells of how she can't trust her friends, they let her down
Where'd I go wrong?
My eyes dart to the door every time I hear a sound from that direction
But you're not coming
When I asked why she didn't tell me she was coming tonight, she muttered a sorry
She doesn't come for me
She doesn't see me
...
Another sound from the door, but you're not here at all

eight letters

It's okay
Just eight letters I won't say
Even though I really may
In a few days
Or yesterday
Don't you hate
Feeling this way
A bit of pain
Too late
Checkmate
Just eight little letters I won't say

Replaced

Saltwater

They say I loved you
But shock runs through my bones, and your temperature drops
Continually as they cover you up
And their gentle voices explain that you’re gone

They say I loved you
And all your beautiful colors have washed from your face
And all my friends dressed in black come to hug me
But the air is all off, like some tragedy misplaced

They say I loved you
How strange it is that they tell me you’ve died
Because if anyone knew how to live, it was you
You said you’d never grow up, and I guess you were right

They say I loved you
We were on top of the world just yesterday
Now your porcelain body lies still
To be put on display in a mahogany case

They say I loved you
Saltwater slips down my cheek as I return your flowers
But just as fate is something that cannot be stopped
So is a car flying at ninety-­four miles an hour

They say I loved you
But that’s not true
They say that I did
But I still do







(This was an assignment-- don't worry.)

Over My Head

Lying on my bed
Staring into space
The lines under my eyes
Are scars into my face
They're not going away
They're not going away
Maybe the ceiling fan feels a bit like me
Spinning and stopping endlessly
Except it doesn't have a heart...
Or a mind.
They're always fatal
Always blind
I never make it
Always try
These are the things that will spin in my mind
These are the people that eat my insides
Every night before I turn out the light
I walk my room to close the blinds
I grab both strings and hold them tight
So I can pull one at a time and see which one's right
But knowing him isn't like that that much
Instead of holding both strings I only get one
And the moment I pull it I spend all my trust
Because I don't know if it'll work out for us
I'm so worn out
I don't think I can do this
There's no catching breath
Bit too hard to get through it
Let me down, let me down
I wanted to rely on you guys
Yell at each other in front of me
Make me have to close my eyes
I don't have words to explain how dark this place is
But no matter how dark, I never sleep
Here is my checkmate number three
I love him more than he loves me

Asylum.

Why is my dominant hand freezing cold?
I don't know, it sounded deep
Though it's true, it's much colder than the left
I'm running on a lack of sleep.
I hope.
I hope you realize.
I hope you realize I'm terrified.
I hope you realize I'm terrified.

I hope you realize I'm terrified of losing him.

That he'll walk away.
That he'll love someone else.
That he'll (stop breathing).
That he'll come to me with teary eyes and tell me about how sorry he is but he can't keep doing this and it's all gone and he still loves me just not enough anymore.
That he'll leave me because of another girl that was really maybe possibly better than me in the end and I'll lie in bed wondering how and where and when I went wrong and why I had decided it was a good idea and one day I'll see him with his arms around her and we'll look at each other for a brief moment and there will be pain in his eyes but not near as much as in mine but I'll be fine, fine, fine, oh I will be quite alright outside.
That something will happen at the wrong time in the wrong place and the life that was supposed to be filled with many more years will stop short and the thread will be cut and I'll be sitting somewhere waiting for Mom to get off the phone and something is clearly wrong and when she gets off she tells me oh so carefully that he's gone and I'll run and I'll run and it won't be real anymore and my insides will bleed from the shards of my glass heart and I'll attend the funeral and kiss the cold forehead of the boy I was supposed to be spending the rest of my life with and people will pour through my door and wrap their arms around me but I will feel nothing and I will love them for it silently but I will be gone and I will hug his mother and pull on his blue Duke hat and never take it off and there won't ever be another and the world will go on turning but I just won't want it to and I will know God has a plan but that won't take away the pain of a Wendy Darling waiting on her windowsill for a boy who will never come back again.
The end.

I hope you realize I'm terrified of losing him.
I hope you realize I never stop having nightmares.
I hope you realize I'm trying to let go.
I hope you realize I'm trying to help people.
I hope you realize I'm subconsciously searching for validation because I have a tendency to ignore my problems and feelings until they're about to explode so right now I'm just trying to see what's real.
I hope you realize people don't know what it's like to be me.
I hope you realize I might be unstable.
I hope you realize this is not self-pity.
//I hope you realize I'm paying attention to my thoughts and emotions so they don't tear me apart later on in life like I've done before when I was fond of someone and continued to ignore the hurt and years later it's still tearing me apart because I didn't recognize it and this is exactly what it looks like.//
I hope you realize that when I say "I hope you realize," I am talking to myself and no other, because I am a very emotional person, but these problems would haunt anyone with a sense of love and compassion, right?
Yes, I pray about it
And God is beautifully good.
But it's hard to know how to pray for this
And I don't know how I should
This nausea has me on my knees
Blade at my neck, I'm on the floor
Keep trying to get up and find my feet
Don't wanna do this anymore
And I'm trying not to make this blog private
Because I think at least one of you wants to know
But, in the end, I'm mostly talking to myself
About the billion and one things that I never let me show
About how I think no one takes their faith
As seriously as I take mine
Which should mean that I am helping them
But instead it means I'm "fine"
Holding onto hope
Doesn't come without a sting
And actually trusting God
Is one of the hardest things
This is not my parents' religion
Like a lot of my friends make it
He is the only one keeping me alive
I honestly don't think I could fake it
But that makes me the good girl, doesn't it?
Respecting my parents' decisions, keeping my mouth clean
I'm no better than any of my friends
But some pretend that I pretend to be
Don't think I don't know
They're talking about me
Yeah, "she doesn't really understand"
In perfection, they drown me
But that's fine.
Whatever pain it causes, God, it's mine.
If I am brave enough to tell the truth
Being the perfect good girl is worth it for you.
Billion and one things, I called it, right?
Billion and one things to think of at night
But I am fine, fine, fine,
Oh I am quite alright outside.
Something must be wrong with me
I cannot think of anything
That could help me stop thinking
So I simply hit my knees
And fear is over whelming me
The clock ticks on and on
Time is passing, sister's leaving
Don't let me be gone
Playing funny puppet shows
My brothers spend the night in my room
I make them laugh, they make me say
"Please just don't grow up too soon"
He's there for me, I'm full of love
But it feels like a crime to me
When my friends stand all by themselves
Wishing they had somebody
I'm haunted by my unending dreams
And yet I don't say much at all
Subconsciously, I get too deep
Hole in the Ground, and now I fall
I want to be stronger than I always seem to be
And the sum of all of this is really, really getting old
Nightmares have never and will never be reality
So why is my dominant hand so freaking freezing cold?

Confidential.

I'm going in circles
Gasping
Fighting like a soldier
Just to let go

I am not one of the girls that does this to herself.
I have no time or energy to create myself a problem.

Don't leave me
Like you do in my dreams
Don't let the past swallow me
Please hold on, I can't help but scream

I stare into old photographs
And I do not cry, but I almost start
Who knew that things that didn't last
Could sew themselves into your skin and rip you apart

Sometimes I look in his eyes
And wonder if he knows
I'm fighting to survive
And sometimes surviving means letting go

Part One

When people post on their blogs about desperate situations
And challenges
And heartbreak
I feel it too
And I worry about them.
To those of you who worry like that,
About concerning words and things,
Know that what I'm about to say
Is a desperate situation.
It is a challenge.
It is heartbreak.
However, sometimes I am becoming gone,
Or I am fading away or hurting too badly,
And maybe I should be worried about.
But this is not one of those times,
So believe me when I tell you,
You shouldn't worry this time.