Save Me.

Momma had her lovely firstborn
But the baby always moved and squirmed
Maybe she felt silly, but she knew what she needed
Momma prayed for a cuddler
Then, middle child,
Yes, she got me
I'd let her hold me,
Explains why I'm so freaking touchy
Does that make me
An answer to prayer?
If just a child to hold
When you need someone there?
But as we've grown up
Our faces got scars
We're not what we once were
Either flew or fell far
I hear them talking in their bedroom
And I'm huddled in a heap
Should I or should I not yet tell them
That it's work to fall asleep
One of the bookmarks on her computer
Says, "depression remedies"
I'm not only touchy, but I'm smart
I know that they're for me
I live in past moments,
In the present, and the future
But past moments are stuck on repeat
Like some sort of broken record
I see people in my head
Remember places again and again
Playing memories on end
Feeling emotions that should be pretend
And I'm not even trying, it isn't my fault
Somebody exploded my memory vault
And the good ones stayed put, but the bad ones invaded
My chest and my pillow, and peace is evasive
I don't wanna remember late last spring
And having no one to talk to about everything
Lying in bed and choking a scream
"He's not coming back and none of them can breathe."
Worried about them, worry, worry
Selfless thoughts and selfless hurting
Now I look back and see surely
How I was silently screaming, "save me, save me"
And I don't wanna remember
Meeting his eyes across the room
When they were clearly on someone else
I tried to ignore that part, too
I don't want to think about
When they said goodbye
I don't want to think about
How I ruined their life
I don't wanna think about her untying my skates
And smiling at me, leaving me in an unstable state
I don't wanna think about the cabin in the trees
Save me, save me, save me, save me
I'm not doing this to myself
This isn't me, it must be someone else
I always try to leave it behind
And things take time, this I know
And God has always been by my side
But humanly, I was truly alone.
This isn't the half of it
I'm leaving out gruesome details, you see
Which, I'm not quite sure why
It's not like anyone can hear me

If you don't love me
Stop pretending

The Losing Side

It's a little too cold
To be wearing a bro tank
Maybe I just didn't
Want to be myself today
But I think that this might
Be a bit too much like me
Dressed in the clothes of
An emotional scream
Is it a sin to take it out
On my lonely guitar?
I'll never stop forgiving you
Everything is hard
And everything burns my fingers
Because I haven't played in a month
And inside one I found a splinter
But I kept pressing chords with it because
I needed a way to drown everything out
I needed a way to sing and shout
I needed a way, and I needed it now
I needed an escape, through some lyrics somehow
So the splinter went deeper into my finger
Like how you went deeper into my soul
When I can't find the difference between death and living
It reminds me that I'm not the one in control
Don't leave without me,
Don't forget about me
I've been trying too hard to just let all this go
Even though I partake,
I'm set up for heartbreak
Don't know where I'll be if you leave me alone
I wake up in the night
And can't breathe through my nose
It's just allergies
But anything goes
If you make life symbolic
And boy, I try not to
Then I'm pushed to a point
When I've simply got to
But I fought you
Oh, how I fought you for years
Thought ignorant smiles
Would save me from tears
Blamed myself
Blamed this girl, and no one else
Because when she is me, she isn't free
From everything I felt.
Again.
I'm going back to the past again.
Killing myself for not letting it go
When I should really be my friend
And in the end
I know it's all for good
But I should've talked to someone,
And I guess I never could
I feel it all and don't know why
When my dad prayed for you, I started to cry
I'm going nowhere with these rhymes
I'm just trying not to die
I won't take all this on my back
I've been down this road half a million times
Will you show no sympathy
For the girl on the losing side?