Save Me.

Momma had her lovely firstborn
But the baby always moved and squirmed
Maybe she felt silly, but she knew what she needed
Momma prayed for a cuddler
Then, middle child,
Yes, she got me
I'd let her hold me,
Explains why I'm so freaking touchy
Does that make me
An answer to prayer?
If just a child to hold
When you need someone there?
But as we've grown up
Our faces got scars
We're not what we once were
Either flew or fell far
I hear them talking in their bedroom
And I'm huddled in a heap
Should I or should I not yet tell them
That it's work to fall asleep
One of the bookmarks on her computer
Says, "depression remedies"
I'm not only touchy, but I'm smart
I know that they're for me
I live in past moments,
In the present, and the future
But past moments are stuck on repeat
Like some sort of broken record
I see people in my head
Remember places again and again
Playing memories on end
Feeling emotions that should be pretend
And I'm not even trying, it isn't my fault
Somebody exploded my memory vault
And the good ones stayed put, but the bad ones invaded
My chest and my pillow, and peace is evasive
I don't wanna remember late last spring
And having no one to talk to about everything
Lying in bed and choking a scream
"He's not coming back and none of them can breathe."
Worried about them, worry, worry
Selfless thoughts and selfless hurting
Now I look back and see surely
How I was silently screaming, "save me, save me"
And I don't wanna remember
Meeting his eyes across the room
When they were clearly on someone else
I tried to ignore that part, too
I don't want to think about
When they said goodbye
I don't want to think about
How I ruined their life
I don't wanna think about her untying my skates
And smiling at me, leaving me in an unstable state
I don't wanna think about the cabin in the trees
Save me, save me, save me, save me
I'm not doing this to myself
This isn't me, it must be someone else
I always try to leave it behind
And things take time, this I know
And God has always been by my side
But humanly, I was truly alone.
This isn't the half of it
I'm leaving out gruesome details, you see
Which, I'm not quite sure why
It's not like anyone can hear me