Momma had her lovely firstborn
But the baby always moved and squirmed
Maybe she felt silly, but she knew what she needed
Momma prayed for a cuddler
Then, middle child,
Yes, she got me
I'd let her hold me,
Explains why I'm so freaking touchy
Does that make me
An answer to prayer?
If just a child to hold
When you need someone there?
But as we've grown up
Our faces got scars
We're not what we once were
Either flew or fell far
I hear them talking in their bedroom
And I'm huddled in a heap
Should I or should I not yet tell them
That it's work to fall asleep
One of the bookmarks on her computer
Says, "depression remedies"
I'm not only touchy, but I'm smart
I know that they're for me
I live in past moments,
In the present, and the future
But past moments are stuck on repeat
Like some sort of broken record
I see people in my head
Remember places again and again
Playing memories on end
Feeling emotions that should be pretend
And I'm not even trying, it isn't my fault
Somebody exploded my memory vault
And the good ones stayed put, but the bad ones invaded
My chest and my pillow, and peace is evasive
I don't wanna remember late last spring
And having no one to talk to about everything
Lying in bed and choking a scream
"He's not coming back and none of them can breathe."
Worried about them, worry, worry
Selfless thoughts and selfless hurting
Now I look back and see surely
How I was silently screaming, "save me, save me"
And I don't wanna remember
Meeting his eyes across the room
When they were clearly on someone else
I tried to ignore that part, too
I don't want to think about
When they said goodbye
I don't want to think about
How I ruined their life
I don't wanna think about her untying my skates
And smiling at me, leaving me in an unstable state
I don't wanna think about the cabin in the trees
Save me, save me, save me, save me
I'm not doing this to myself
This isn't me, it must be someone else
I always try to leave it behind
And things take time, this I know
And God has always been by my side
But humanly, I was truly alone.
This isn't the half of it
I'm leaving out gruesome details, you see
Which, I'm not quite sure why
It's not like anyone can hear me
Friday, November 27, 2015
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
The Losing Side
It's a little too cold
To be wearing a bro tank
Maybe I just didn't
Want to be myself today
But I think that this might
Be a bit too much like me
Dressed in the clothes of
An emotional scream
Is it a sin to take it out
On my lonely guitar?
I'll never stop forgiving you
Everything is hard
And everything burns my fingers
Because I haven't played in a month
And inside one I found a splinter
But I kept pressing chords with it because
I needed a way to drown everything out
I needed a way to sing and shout
I needed a way, and I needed it now
I needed an escape, through some lyrics somehow
So the splinter went deeper into my finger
Like how you went deeper into my soul
When I can't find the difference between death and living
It reminds me that I'm not the one in control
Don't leave without me,
Don't forget about me
I've been trying too hard to just let all this go
Even though I partake,
I'm set up for heartbreak
Don't know where I'll be if you leave me alone
I wake up in the night
And can't breathe through my nose
It's just allergies
But anything goes
If you make life symbolic
And boy, I try not to
Then I'm pushed to a point
When I've simply got to
But I fought you
Oh, how I fought you for years
Thought ignorant smiles
Would save me from tears
Blamed myself
Blamed this girl, and no one else
Because when she is me, she isn't free
From everything I felt.
Again.
I'm going back to the past again.
Killing myself for not letting it go
When I should really be my friend
And in the end
I know it's all for good
But I should've talked to someone,
And I guess I never could
I feel it all and don't know why
When my dad prayed for you, I started to cry
I'm going nowhere with these rhymes
I'm just trying not to die
I won't take all this on my back
I've been down this road half a million times
Will you show no sympathy
For the girl on the losing side?
To be wearing a bro tank
Maybe I just didn't
Want to be myself today
But I think that this might
Be a bit too much like me
Dressed in the clothes of
An emotional scream
Is it a sin to take it out
On my lonely guitar?
I'll never stop forgiving you
Everything is hard
And everything burns my fingers
Because I haven't played in a month
And inside one I found a splinter
But I kept pressing chords with it because
I needed a way to drown everything out
I needed a way to sing and shout
I needed a way, and I needed it now
I needed an escape, through some lyrics somehow
So the splinter went deeper into my finger
Like how you went deeper into my soul
When I can't find the difference between death and living
It reminds me that I'm not the one in control
Don't leave without me,
Don't forget about me
I've been trying too hard to just let all this go
Even though I partake,
I'm set up for heartbreak
Don't know where I'll be if you leave me alone
I wake up in the night
And can't breathe through my nose
It's just allergies
But anything goes
If you make life symbolic
And boy, I try not to
Then I'm pushed to a point
When I've simply got to
But I fought you
Oh, how I fought you for years
Thought ignorant smiles
Would save me from tears
Blamed myself
Blamed this girl, and no one else
Because when she is me, she isn't free
From everything I felt.
Again.
I'm going back to the past again.
Killing myself for not letting it go
When I should really be my friend
And in the end
I know it's all for good
But I should've talked to someone,
And I guess I never could
I feel it all and don't know why
When my dad prayed for you, I started to cry
I'm going nowhere with these rhymes
I'm just trying not to die
I won't take all this on my back
I've been down this road half a million times
Will you show no sympathy
For the girl on the losing side?
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Capes
"... and I've been trying so hard just to help my friends and save everyone, but no matter what I do nothing changes, and I can't be anyone's hero ever, so--"
I stop when I hear his voice on the other line, but I can't make out what he says.
"What?" I choke out.
"You're my hero," he says softly.
I let out a breath of air, and it sounds like a sad, exasperated laugh.
"Well..." I start.
I want to shout and tell him no I'm not, I'm just his special, emotional burden and that I haven't been able to help him once. I want to sob, because I'm not a hero at all, and he'll figure that out one of these days. And change his mind.
And I want to cry, because what if I am his hero? What if I have saved him? He would be the first.
I don't know what to say. Usually I can foresee what he might tell me in certain situations, but this comment of his was totally unexpected. I've been caught off guard.
I'm not a hero, love. I just pull on a cape and tell jokes.
I stop when I hear his voice on the other line, but I can't make out what he says.
"What?" I choke out.
"You're my hero," he says softly.
I let out a breath of air, and it sounds like a sad, exasperated laugh.
"Well..." I start.
I want to shout and tell him no I'm not, I'm just his special, emotional burden and that I haven't been able to help him once. I want to sob, because I'm not a hero at all, and he'll figure that out one of these days. And change his mind.
And I want to cry, because what if I am his hero? What if I have saved him? He would be the first.
I don't know what to say. Usually I can foresee what he might tell me in certain situations, but this comment of his was totally unexpected. I've been caught off guard.
I'm not a hero, love. I just pull on a cape and tell jokes.
Coping.
She says, "Miracles don't exist."
I say, "Yes they do."
She says, "No they don't,
And you know that's the truth."
"No, miracles exist.
Just look at the past."
"Oh Emily," she says,
"You know that I have.
You think that those miracles
Are really going to last?
They're patient, broken hearts
Simply wearing clever masks.
Miracles don't exist."
I tell her they do.
"Miracles exist,
And he's living proof."
At this she almost softens
As if in sympathy
"Emily, please..
Do you really believe..."
"Yes," I tell her,
Before I can hesitate.
She says, "He's happy right now,
But he's not gonna stay.
You have thoughts and emotion,
A little too much.
And with persistence and color,
You don't have quite enough."
"Maybe he can make up,"
I say quietly
"For the things that I lack
Since he has everything."
"That's the other thing, doll,"
She phrases to me
"He's a little too perfect.
He's out of your league."
"Maybe he's perfect enough to stay,"
More confident now.
"Who are you to say he won't?"
And my voice echoes loud.
She says, "You have no proof!
There is nothing at all
To assure you he'll keep loving you
Instead of letting you fall."
I maintain my posture.
"We're getting off topic.
We were talking about miracles,
I think we should drop this."
"This is perfectly on topic,
And you know that I'm right.
Miracles don't exist,
And I'm telling you why."
"You do not know
Any more than I do.
You hold to your thoughts,
And I'll hold to what's true."
She sighs and looks at me.
"This is for your own good.
I'm not trying to hurt you,
I never would."
"I know," I say,
"You're just confused.
So leave me alone,
This is what I choose."
I take a deep breath.
I don't want to hear her.
So I turn my back
And walk away from the mirror.
I say, "Yes they do."
She says, "No they don't,
And you know that's the truth."
"No, miracles exist.
Just look at the past."
"Oh Emily," she says,
"You know that I have.
You think that those miracles
Are really going to last?
They're patient, broken hearts
Simply wearing clever masks.
Miracles don't exist."
I tell her they do.
"Miracles exist,
And he's living proof."
At this she almost softens
As if in sympathy
"Emily, please..
Do you really believe..."
"Yes," I tell her,
Before I can hesitate.
She says, "He's happy right now,
But he's not gonna stay.
You have thoughts and emotion,
A little too much.
And with persistence and color,
You don't have quite enough."
"Maybe he can make up,"
I say quietly
"For the things that I lack
Since he has everything."
"That's the other thing, doll,"
She phrases to me
"He's a little too perfect.
He's out of your league."
"Maybe he's perfect enough to stay,"
More confident now.
"Who are you to say he won't?"
And my voice echoes loud.
She says, "You have no proof!
There is nothing at all
To assure you he'll keep loving you
Instead of letting you fall."
I maintain my posture.
"We're getting off topic.
We were talking about miracles,
I think we should drop this."
"This is perfectly on topic,
And you know that I'm right.
Miracles don't exist,
And I'm telling you why."
"You do not know
Any more than I do.
You hold to your thoughts,
And I'll hold to what's true."
She sighs and looks at me.
"This is for your own good.
I'm not trying to hurt you,
I never would."
"I know," I say,
"You're just confused.
So leave me alone,
This is what I choose."
I take a deep breath.
I don't want to hear her.
So I turn my back
And walk away from the mirror.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Chapter Two
"We lost faith
"In the arms of love."
The faster I run
The tighter it gets
For I find that this noose
Is not tied 'round my neck
Its grip is much stronger
It's bound my heart
You spilled my blood to fill a lake
But it only filled a jar
There are no right people left
And the people left aren't right
There's no one here to save me
Not the fools, and not the wise
And with a flag I mark this site
This is where I lost my mind
"In the arms of love."
The faster I run
The tighter it gets
For I find that this noose
Is not tied 'round my neck
Its grip is much stronger
It's bound my heart
You spilled my blood to fill a lake
But it only filled a jar
There are no right people left
And the people left aren't right
There's no one here to save me
Not the fools, and not the wise
And with a flag I mark this site
This is where I lost my mind
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