Confidential.

I'm going in circles
Gasping
Fighting like a soldier
Just to let go

I am not one of the girls that does this to herself.
I have no time or energy to create myself a problem.

Don't leave me
Like you do in my dreams
Don't let the past swallow me
Please hold on, I can't help but scream

I stare into old photographs
And I do not cry, but I almost start
Who knew that things that didn't last
Could sew themselves into your skin and rip you apart

Sometimes I look in his eyes
And wonder if he knows
I'm fighting to survive
And sometimes surviving means letting go

Part One

When people post on their blogs about desperate situations
And challenges
And heartbreak
I feel it too
And I worry about them.
To those of you who worry like that,
About concerning words and things,
Know that what I'm about to say
Is a desperate situation.
It is a challenge.
It is heartbreak.
However, sometimes I am becoming gone,
Or I am fading away or hurting too badly,
And maybe I should be worried about.
But this is not one of those times,
So believe me when I tell you,
You shouldn't worry this time.

--Adam Young, one of the few people who feels how I feel about things.

Alone on the outside
So tired of looking in

Usually can't get out of bed
From exhaustion or not wanting to start the day
But I had to this morning
Because of the reason I was awake

I got up because the only thing
I could think of was my nightmare when lying in bed
Mixed with the fear of falling back asleep
Only to face the dream again

Jumping in the shower
Only to wash it all away
I don't wanna be here
Not with this delicate pain

I can't. I can't. It echoes in my brain.
How could my mind be so elaborately cruel?
To paint such a stabbing picture in my vivid frame?
Yelling and crying
Oh, I've never been more sure
That I must have cried throughout the night
Cried aloud from what I had endured
It was so agonizing
I can hardly believe it happened
The fact that I thought it was real..
Made it ten times worse than it had been
Take it away
Take it away
Oh darling, there's a reason I'm writing on a blog
Whose words never reach your ears
Because if you knew what I dreamt about last night
I swear, you'd be in tears

Save Me.

Momma had her lovely firstborn
But the baby always moved and squirmed
Maybe she felt silly, but she knew what she needed
Momma prayed for a cuddler
Then, middle child,
Yes, she got me
I'd let her hold me,
Explains why I'm so freaking touchy
Does that make me
An answer to prayer?
If just a child to hold
When you need someone there?
But as we've grown up
Our faces got scars
We're not what we once were
Either flew or fell far
I hear them talking in their bedroom
And I'm huddled in a heap
Should I or should I not yet tell them
That it's work to fall asleep
One of the bookmarks on her computer
Says, "depression remedies"
I'm not only touchy, but I'm smart
I know that they're for me
I live in past moments,
In the present, and the future
But past moments are stuck on repeat
Like some sort of broken record
I see people in my head
Remember places again and again
Playing memories on end
Feeling emotions that should be pretend
And I'm not even trying, it isn't my fault
Somebody exploded my memory vault
And the good ones stayed put, but the bad ones invaded
My chest and my pillow, and peace is evasive
I don't wanna remember late last spring
And having no one to talk to about everything
Lying in bed and choking a scream
"He's not coming back and none of them can breathe."
Worried about them, worry, worry
Selfless thoughts and selfless hurting
Now I look back and see surely
How I was silently screaming, "save me, save me"
And I don't wanna remember
Meeting his eyes across the room
When they were clearly on someone else
I tried to ignore that part, too
I don't want to think about
When they said goodbye
I don't want to think about
How I ruined their life
I don't wanna think about her untying my skates
And smiling at me, leaving me in an unstable state
I don't wanna think about the cabin in the trees
Save me, save me, save me, save me
I'm not doing this to myself
This isn't me, it must be someone else
I always try to leave it behind
And things take time, this I know
And God has always been by my side
But humanly, I was truly alone.
This isn't the half of it
I'm leaving out gruesome details, you see
Which, I'm not quite sure why
It's not like anyone can hear me

If you don't love me
Stop pretending

The Losing Side

It's a little too cold
To be wearing a bro tank
Maybe I just didn't
Want to be myself today
But I think that this might
Be a bit too much like me
Dressed in the clothes of
An emotional scream
Is it a sin to take it out
On my lonely guitar?
I'll never stop forgiving you
Everything is hard
And everything burns my fingers
Because I haven't played in a month
And inside one I found a splinter
But I kept pressing chords with it because
I needed a way to drown everything out
I needed a way to sing and shout
I needed a way, and I needed it now
I needed an escape, through some lyrics somehow
So the splinter went deeper into my finger
Like how you went deeper into my soul
When I can't find the difference between death and living
It reminds me that I'm not the one in control
Don't leave without me,
Don't forget about me
I've been trying too hard to just let all this go
Even though I partake,
I'm set up for heartbreak
Don't know where I'll be if you leave me alone
I wake up in the night
And can't breathe through my nose
It's just allergies
But anything goes
If you make life symbolic
And boy, I try not to
Then I'm pushed to a point
When I've simply got to
But I fought you
Oh, how I fought you for years
Thought ignorant smiles
Would save me from tears
Blamed myself
Blamed this girl, and no one else
Because when she is me, she isn't free
From everything I felt.
Again.
I'm going back to the past again.
Killing myself for not letting it go
When I should really be my friend
And in the end
I know it's all for good
But I should've talked to someone,
And I guess I never could
I feel it all and don't know why
When my dad prayed for you, I started to cry
I'm going nowhere with these rhymes
I'm just trying not to die
I won't take all this on my back
I've been down this road half a million times
Will you show no sympathy
For the girl on the losing side?