Confidential.

I'm going in circles
Gasping
Fighting like a soldier
Just to let go

I am not one of the girls that does this to herself.
I have no time or energy to create myself a problem.

Don't leave me
Like you do in my dreams
Don't let the past swallow me
Please hold on, I can't help but scream

I stare into old photographs
And I do not cry, but I almost start
Who knew that things that didn't last
Could sew themselves into your skin and rip you apart

Sometimes I look in his eyes
And wonder if he knows
I'm fighting to survive
And sometimes surviving means letting go

Part One

When people post on their blogs about desperate situations
And challenges
And heartbreak
I feel it too
And I worry about them.
To those of you who worry like that,
About concerning words and things,
Know that what I'm about to say
Is a desperate situation.
It is a challenge.
It is heartbreak.
However, sometimes I am becoming gone,
Or I am fading away or hurting too badly,
And maybe I should be worried about.
But this is not one of those times,
So believe me when I tell you,
You shouldn't worry this time.

--Adam Young, one of the few people who feels how I feel about things.

Alone on the outside
So tired of looking in

Usually can't get out of bed
From exhaustion or not wanting to start the day
But I had to this morning
Because of the reason I was awake

I got up because the only thing
I could think of was my nightmare when lying in bed
Mixed with the fear of falling back asleep
Only to face the dream again

Jumping in the shower
Only to wash it all away
I don't wanna be here
Not with this delicate pain

I can't. I can't. It echoes in my brain.
How could my mind be so elaborately cruel?
To paint such a stabbing picture in my vivid frame?
Yelling and crying
Oh, I've never been more sure
That I must have cried throughout the night
Cried aloud from what I had endured
It was so agonizing
I can hardly believe it happened
The fact that I thought it was real..
Made it ten times worse than it had been
Take it away
Take it away
Oh darling, there's a reason I'm writing on a blog
Whose words never reach your ears
Because if you knew what I dreamt about last night
I swear, you'd be in tears

Save Me.

Momma had her lovely firstborn
But the baby always moved and squirmed
Maybe she felt silly, but she knew what she needed
Momma prayed for a cuddler
Then, middle child,
Yes, she got me
I'd let her hold me,
Explains why I'm so freaking touchy
Does that make me
An answer to prayer?
If just a child to hold
When you need someone there?
But as we've grown up
Our faces got scars
We're not what we once were
Either flew or fell far
I hear them talking in their bedroom
And I'm huddled in a heap
Should I or should I not yet tell them
That it's work to fall asleep
One of the bookmarks on her computer
Says, "depression remedies"
I'm not only touchy, but I'm smart
I know that they're for me
I live in past moments,
In the present, and the future
But past moments are stuck on repeat
Like some sort of broken record
I see people in my head
Remember places again and again
Playing memories on end
Feeling emotions that should be pretend
And I'm not even trying, it isn't my fault
Somebody exploded my memory vault
And the good ones stayed put, but the bad ones invaded
My chest and my pillow, and peace is evasive
I don't wanna remember late last spring
And having no one to talk to about everything
Lying in bed and choking a scream
"He's not coming back and none of them can breathe."
Worried about them, worry, worry
Selfless thoughts and selfless hurting
Now I look back and see surely
How I was silently screaming, "save me, save me"
And I don't wanna remember
Meeting his eyes across the room
When they were clearly on someone else
I tried to ignore that part, too
I don't want to think about
When they said goodbye
I don't want to think about
How I ruined their life
I don't wanna think about her untying my skates
And smiling at me, leaving me in an unstable state
I don't wanna think about the cabin in the trees
Save me, save me, save me, save me
I'm not doing this to myself
This isn't me, it must be someone else
I always try to leave it behind
And things take time, this I know
And God has always been by my side
But humanly, I was truly alone.
This isn't the half of it
I'm leaving out gruesome details, you see
Which, I'm not quite sure why
It's not like anyone can hear me

If you don't love me
Stop pretending

The Losing Side

It's a little too cold
To be wearing a bro tank
Maybe I just didn't
Want to be myself today
But I think that this might
Be a bit too much like me
Dressed in the clothes of
An emotional scream
Is it a sin to take it out
On my lonely guitar?
I'll never stop forgiving you
Everything is hard
And everything burns my fingers
Because I haven't played in a month
And inside one I found a splinter
But I kept pressing chords with it because
I needed a way to drown everything out
I needed a way to sing and shout
I needed a way, and I needed it now
I needed an escape, through some lyrics somehow
So the splinter went deeper into my finger
Like how you went deeper into my soul
When I can't find the difference between death and living
It reminds me that I'm not the one in control
Don't leave without me,
Don't forget about me
I've been trying too hard to just let all this go
Even though I partake,
I'm set up for heartbreak
Don't know where I'll be if you leave me alone
I wake up in the night
And can't breathe through my nose
It's just allergies
But anything goes
If you make life symbolic
And boy, I try not to
Then I'm pushed to a point
When I've simply got to
But I fought you
Oh, how I fought you for years
Thought ignorant smiles
Would save me from tears
Blamed myself
Blamed this girl, and no one else
Because when she is me, she isn't free
From everything I felt.
Again.
I'm going back to the past again.
Killing myself for not letting it go
When I should really be my friend
And in the end
I know it's all for good
But I should've talked to someone,
And I guess I never could
I feel it all and don't know why
When my dad prayed for you, I started to cry
I'm going nowhere with these rhymes
I'm just trying not to die
I won't take all this on my back
I've been down this road half a million times
Will you show no sympathy
For the girl on the losing side?

Call it afraid
Don't call it alone
I swear I'm right here
Pick up the phone
I love you. I do.
You don't even know
I'm not gonna scream
But I may explode

Capes

"... and I've been trying so hard just to help my friends and save everyone, but no matter what I do nothing changes, and I can't be anyone's hero ever, so--"
I stop when I hear his voice on the other line, but I can't make out what he says.
"What?" I choke out.
"You're my hero," he says softly.
I let out a breath of air, and it sounds like a sad, exasperated laugh.
"Well..." I start.
I want to shout and tell him no I'm not, I'm just his special, emotional burden and that I haven't been able to help him once.  I want to sob, because I'm not a hero at all, and he'll figure that out one of these days.  And change his mind.
And I want to cry, because what if I am his hero?  What if I have saved him?  He would be the first.
I don't know what to say.  Usually I can foresee what he might tell me in certain situations, but this comment of his was totally unexpected.  I've been caught off guard.
I'm not a hero, love.  I just pull on a cape and tell jokes.

Coping.

She says, "Miracles don't exist."
I say, "Yes they do."
She says, "No they don't,
And you know that's the truth."
"No, miracles exist.
Just look at the past."
"Oh Emily," she says,
"You know that I have.
You think that those miracles
Are really going to last?
They're patient, broken hearts
Simply wearing clever masks.
Miracles don't exist."
I tell her they do.
"Miracles exist,
And he's living proof."
At this she almost softens
As if in sympathy
"Emily, please..
Do you really believe..."
"Yes," I tell her,
Before I can hesitate.
She says, "He's happy right now,
But he's not gonna stay.
You have thoughts and emotion,
A little too much.
And with persistence and color,
You don't have quite enough."
"Maybe he can make up,"
I say quietly
"For the things that I lack
Since he has everything."
"That's the other thing, doll,"
She phrases to me
"He's a little too perfect.
He's out of your league."
"Maybe he's perfect enough to stay,"
More confident now.
"Who are you to say he won't?"
And my voice echoes loud.
She says, "You have no proof!
There is nothing at all
To assure you he'll keep loving you
Instead of letting you fall."
I maintain my posture.
"We're getting off topic.
We were talking about miracles,
I think we should drop this."
"This is perfectly on topic,
And you know that I'm right.
Miracles don't exist,
And I'm telling you why."
"You do not know
Any more than I do.
You hold to your thoughts,
And I'll hold to what's true."
She sighs and looks at me.
"This is for your own good.
I'm not trying to hurt you,
I never would."
"I know," I say,
"You're just confused.
So leave me alone,
This is what I choose."
I take a deep breath.
I don't want to hear her.
So I turn my back
And walk away from the mirror.

Chapter Two

"We lost faith
"In the arms of love."


The faster I run
The tighter it gets
For I find that this noose
Is not tied 'round my neck

Its grip is much stronger
It's bound my heart
You spilled my blood to fill a lake
But it only filled a jar

There are no right people left
And the people left aren't right
There's no one here to save me
Not the fools, and not the wise

And with a flag I mark this site
This is where I lost my mind

Chapter One

She rode away on a horse
And she's long been on the move
Thinks that she can run away
Thinks she can hide from the news

But you can't escape the truth
No matter what you choose

She rode away, head held high
She ran away through and through
With wit dripping from her tongue
Thinks she can hide from the noose

But your dreams will tell the truth
In the end, they always do

I've been 'round this bend a million times
I have felt these words with a million lies
But the more that I say it, the less I believe it
The less I believe it, the harder I try

Permission to Leave pt. I

I needed a place
Where I could be loud
I needed a place
To scream and to shout
And if it seems
That I'm found out
Don't let this place
Tear you down

I didn't tell anyone
About this blog
I'm not saying get out
I'm saying it's long
This journey of mine
You're welcome along
Just don't be offended
If this blog seems wrong

I don't wanna hurt anyone
If you're reading this, you should know that
It's just some things I cannot escape
And some things here may show that

Shake

I can't
Do that
I can't
Be her
The one you
Tell me
Is still
Better
I can't
Say that
I can't
Listen
I can't
Try to
I still
Miss him
I can't
Do this
I can't
Be here
I can't
Feel this
I can't

Breathe.

(you care)

Maybe I love you
In the same way you love me
Which explains why
At first I didn't see

Maybe I can't fix your problems
Maybe you can't fix mine
And I can't explain how much I love you
So I won't even try

Okay.
I believe you.

I spend my days wondering about you
And my nights wondering if I'm a fool

Self-Titled Self-Pity

But if you don't say you're ugly
If you don't say you're forever alone
If you don't bring up your hardships again and again
If you don't say you're the queen of sorrow
If you don't remind them of all you've been through
How you've walked through life on your own
If you don't make them pity you
And I guess I really don't
If you don't wallow in your misery
If you don't tell them that no one knows..

Nobody asks if you're okay
Nobody asks if they can pray
Nobody respects you, nobody stays
With you through the nights that you're still wide awake
Nobody cares if you haven't made your troubles known
If you don't complain and don't claim the throne
Of unrequited love and shattered reflections
They look at themselves and expect perfection
Look at me and I give them protection
I write about my sorrows but don't ask for attention
And so therefore I'm on my own
Write on a blog that I haven't made known
Because I won't call myself ugly, I won't ask for it
So in my mind I hop in the car and floor it
And everyone thinks that because I have him I'm completely fine
As though all you need in life is a guy
They say it's easy for me so I must be alright 
I'll say it now, nobody understands my life

Drying Blood

In your self-pity you ask for help
Maybe you thought I was someone else
All you feel is all I felt
I can't help you if you won't help yourself

Current

"Easy for you to say,"
You say
But I see things
A different way

Love isn't as easy as little girls think
Love isn't as simple as everyone dreams
For him to love you back is "all that you need"
But his part in the deal is all that you see

What if he did, let me ask you that--
Would all of your problems leave you just like that?
Would you finally gain everything that you lacked?
Or... would you even believe that he loves you back?

For me it was like a dream
I didn't wanna wake up
How could he love a child
Who didn't even wear make up?

Tried to convince myself it was true
I always doubted, sometimes still do
And how is he gonna deal with all my feelings?
And the past really hurt me, when will I start healing?

And now it's a downhill slope and I can't fall too fast
And we've gotta pace ourselves just so we know we'll last
And even then I love him too much and cannot let him go
If he leaves me one of these days I will have lost my home

Love is too far beautiful for me to ever lose
If you keep on searching for it, count yourself a fool
I swear I never looked for it, never even knew
Till I caught myself looking for him first
Every time I entered the room

Agitation

And fifteen-year-olds, they
Doubt they'll find love
As though God doesn't have a plan
That doesn't bother them enough

No one else can see it but me
They don't see what they're supposed to see

A lack of faith, a lack of trust
That God provides all needed love